Those of us drawn to coaching often have a bit of the rescuer in us. If we don't take a close look at our motivations or assumptions in helping others, we limit the good we can do and even risk causing unconscious harm.

In this blog post, I'll lead you through the core exercises of my workshop on coaching and shadow, inviting you to explore what parts of yourself you exclude from the coaching relationship, and what blessings those parts might really hold for your clients.

The Inquiry

Begin by completing the following sentence stems (quickly, so that something half-conscious can emerge):

• People who need help are...
• People who never ask for help are…
• People who give great help are...
• Coaches who charge a lot for their services are...
• Coaches who don’t charge enough for their services are...
• Coaches who are too structured with their clients are...
• Coaches who don’t offer enough structure are...
• Coaches who enjoy sexual chemistry with their clients are...
• Coaches who repress any attraction to their clients are...
• If I’m totally honest, I want my clients to think of me as.....
• But in my heart of hearts, I’m afraid that I am.....
• Still, at least I'm not...

The judgment words that emerge from this exercise are really helpful! If you complete the stems and look at your words, they'll you something about who you are trying to be and not be. 

The Turn

And this is the ever-surprising twist of Shadow work: The person you're working so hard NOT to be has a lot to contribute to your life. And for coaches, the person you're working hard not to be has a lot to contribute to your clients, too.

How do we welcome back in that rejected self? And how do we do it safely, honoring the reasons we rejected it in the first place?

Here, I find voice dialog very helpful. I have students identify one polarity from the sentence-stem exercise. What's one quality you're trying to inhabit, and what's the opposite quality that you're rejecting? We'll call these your Proton and Electron and 'interview' both of them as though they are living characters inside of you. You, as a collection of many protons and electrons together, we'll call the Atom.

(This interview protocol is adapted from the work of Nadja Taranczewski.)

First, we can ask the Proton (the representative of the qualities you've embraced in your sentence stems):

• What are you there for? What quality do you bring to the Atom's life?
• In which situations do you mostly emerge? When do you come out freely?
• How do you make yourself seen or heard? How do you show up on the outside (what would others notice)?
• When did you first appear in the Atom's life?
• What deflates you? When do you disappear?
• What does too much of you look like? When do you go too far?
• What do you contribute to the Atom's clients? How do you make the Atom a better coach?
• What needs do you meet for the Atom?
• What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t do your job as well?
• What would you like to say to the Atom to make their path a little easier?
• What else would you like the Atom to know about you?

It's okay if not every question elicits a significant answer. Go with the questions that provoke you the most.

Then, interviewing the Electron (the representative of the qualities you've rejected), we can ask:

• Your Atom has probably tried to get rid of you for a long time - What would happen if they actually succeeded? What quality would they lose?
• In which situations do you mostly emerge? When do you come out freely?
• How much respect does your Atom have for you? How do they treat you?
• Disowned parts like you often try to get our attention before they go into full battle mode. How do you knock on the door gently? And how do you act when you kick down the door?
• When did you first appear in the Atom’s life?
• Who was your biggest role model – who are you most alike?
• What would it look like if your Atom learned to use only a wisely measured dose of you?
• What needs would you love to meet for the Atom, in a wisely measured dose?
• What gifts would you love to give to the Atom’s clients, in a wisely measured dose?
• What would you like to say to the Atom to make their path a little easier?
• What else would you like the Atom to know about you?

The Integration

By now, you may have some hints of what gifts your Electron is trying to give you. Jung called this the gold inside your shadow. What gifts could a wisely measured dose of your Electron give you? What positive name could you give to those qualities?

(For example, imagine if I said above that coaches who charge too much are selfish. Interviewing my electron of selfishness, I might see that wisely measured doses of selfishness could help me tend better to my own limts and needs. A positive name for that quality could be self-care, or self-responsibility, or sustainability.)

You can deepen your somatic awareness of what you learned here through a declaration embracing your shadow. "I am ____, and that's wonderful." (Eg "I am selfish, and that's wonderful.") Can you say that out loud, standing tall, and find the truth in it? It's worth trying.

It's hard to act on these insights right away, and perhaps unwise to lean too far into these shadow qualities at once, so you might start with small experiments. What is the smallest way you could enact your Electron that would feel like a stretch? Can you do that action mindfully, noticing any sensations or emotions that arise as you do? And can you attend to the consequences around you, seeing what really happens when you face this fear? I hope you try it, and let me know how it goes.

This is Just the Beginning

If this exercise intrigued you, and you'd like to learn more about working with me to expand your range as a coach, reach out to me, or read up on my mentor coaching.